The Five Emotional Stages of Apple Picking

Apple picking family fall fun mandatory family fun sounds better than they are

This month, in a fall-themed edition of "activities that sound more fun than they are," we have...APPLE PICKING. The cycle is always the same...


Stage 1: Delusion

"I have an idea! We should go apple picking! The days are getting cooler, the leaves are turning, it will be the perfect fall activity. We'll have so much fun. Everyone, put on your sweaters."

Stage 2: Persuasion

"Remember? You loved apple picking last year! We got to ride on a tractor and I made all those pies, remember? Well trust me, you loved it. It's going to be the perfect fall activity. We'll get cider and apple fritters and we'll pick a few apples and we'll all have fun."

Stage 3: The Reckoning

"OK, yes, I admit that the sweaters are a little warm, but I just remembered it being cooler last year. It's fine! The bees will not bother you if you don't bother them. OK, I suppose the bees do see coming into their territory and picking their apples as bothering them, but just get in and out quick. Of course the bag is getting heavy, you are filling it with apples! That is the point! Lift with your back. You know, two-hundred years ago you would have been raise on a farm and this is all you would have done. We probably would have had more kids just to be farm hands. But since we only have you two, you have to work twice as hard. Well don't cry about it, just pick more apples. Not off the ground, you gotta get them from the tree. I know you're short, you have to reach! All right, the bags are ripping and everyone's crying, I guess that's enough for today."

Stage 4: Overwhelm

"What the f*** am I gonna do with all these apples?"


Stage 5: Amnesia

"Aww...look at these cute pictures from when we went apple picking. That was fun, we should totally do that again. The kids had such a great time in their little sweaters." 


And make no mistake: I paid an insane amount of money for 30 pounds of apples that we all picked ourselves and, with God as my witness, I will absolutely do it again. Even as my children informed me that they "don't like apples anymore," I can already feel myself slipping back into Stage 1. 

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